There was a time when you were my everything. I could pluck out the notes to your songs on my Casio SK-1. I had watched all of your movies, even the weird ones. When I saw you at my first concert, I knew this would be the best concert that someone’s dad ever drove me to.

I’m not sure what happened to us. Maybe it was the seductive call of other men. Maybe we just drifted apart, as people do. Or maybe it was that you starting writing crap adult contemporary songs and shilling them for luxury cars. And let’s not even talk about that P. Diddy thing. We are so over. Seriously, it’s not me, it’s you.

People said you were too old for me, but I didn’t listen. They said it was just an adolescent crush on my part. Your stern authority, your stiff shirts — I was just a wild young girl in search of a man to take hold of me and show me the right path. Your resolve was so firm and unyielding, and yet…

I have a confession to make, after all these years. I never bothered to see Nemesis. I had pretty much lost interest in the whole Next Generation thing. Sorry.

I will always remember the first time I saw you. Man, you were hot. A fat, hot Nazi. That’s like totally immoral, but there you go.

You also looked great in Strange Days because you were all long-haired and sweaty, but you used an American accent and that is intolerable.

OK, and Maid in Manhattan? I should’ve dumped you twice.

P.S. thank you for having a hot brother.

Baby, I am sorry my thoughts were elsewhere during The English Patient and Shakespeare in Love. How could I have missed you? That cloak alone will haunt my dreams.

Sugar, if you can forgive me, I will forgive you. Hairspray is a tool of the bourgoise, and you did not make out with Rupert Everett like I was expecting. Also I got bored.

If we can, let us move on. We have many years ahead of us, I think, but I promise — I will always remember the best of you. Do write, dear, and let me know how “Bridget Jones 2″ is doing. I wouldn’t watch that shit if it featured Sting tap-dancing in gold-plated boxer-briefs.